I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I need moral support for this bender
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
