We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
this is an emotional support booty call
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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