my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
