insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
