He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i've created a new STD.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
