Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
