Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
