So drunk its hurt
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
