please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
