He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize