I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
