I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
