i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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