my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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