there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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