how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
