i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
