I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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