I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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