A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
not ubering you a puppy
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
