pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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