Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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