I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
