My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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