Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
