At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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