Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
