i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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