I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
