he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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