I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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