i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
