I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
