You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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