Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
