My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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