my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Less talking, more tequila
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
