I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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