Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
