he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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