I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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