Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
