The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
