sarcasm needs its own font
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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