How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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