can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize