I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
