whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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