He kissed a someone with a penis
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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