I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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