babies were throwing up all over the place
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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