i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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