i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
