The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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