Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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