You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
