She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
