i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
